new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
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she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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