mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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