I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
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All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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