Can i not drive my cunt home
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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