I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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