The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize