Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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