She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
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I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
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I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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