you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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