don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
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I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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