3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
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I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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