I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
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Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
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Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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