Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
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I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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