Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
