What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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