I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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