I think i peed on brittanys purse
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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