How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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