you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
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Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
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I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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