oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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