wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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