I think I am morally bankrupt
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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