So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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