she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
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You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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