made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
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The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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