I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Of course I have a pirate flag
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You ruined the universe
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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