im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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