sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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