She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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