I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
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We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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