I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
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What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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