I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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