I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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