Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
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I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
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omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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