party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i think my mom watched the whole time
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
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i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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