the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
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I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
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We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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