just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
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What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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