I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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