he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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