I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
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i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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