id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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