he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
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You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
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Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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