I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
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that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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