My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
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I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
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I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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