Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
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She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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