Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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