Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
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Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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