I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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