Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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