My nipple is on Facebook.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
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do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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